The All-Quarterback mock is a NFL mock draft created entirely of quarterback prospects. The draft selection rankings are based on an extremely confusing and arbitrary set of Pythagorean theorems with heavy emphasis on the illuminati. If you are confused and don’t have a clue about what I just said. Then you are not prepared for this mock. If you think I should just call this a ranking versus a mock, then you are a communist and capitalist cuck who doesn’t deserve an explanation. This is the All-Quarterback mock.
San Francisco 49ers Select: Baker Mayfield, QB, Oklahoma
That’s right, Make America Dougie Again! And Katy Perry should allow this very short man to score in the paint.
Indianapolis Colts Select: Lamar Jackson, WR/QB, Louisville
I know he’s never played quarterback in his entire football career, but my subconscious. And my very biased fantasy of Lamar Jackson actually doing quarterback things is too rich not to indulge in. There is literally zero film of Jackson doing quarterback things. Thus with no evidence, this is purely speculation here. I apologize for my flights of fancy.
New York Giants Select: Sam Darnold, QB, USC
It’s time for Eli to go. His offensive line is horrific in a slow descent of madness that is the Giants’ front office. But change is necessary. With a quarterback whose subscapularis muscles must be inflamed every week.
Cincinnati Bengals Select: Josh Rosen, QB, UCLA
The Chosen Rosen removes the Orange Cuck that is Andy Dalton.
New Orleans Saints Select: Trace McSorley, QB, Penn State
Drew Brees isn’t getting any more clichéd.
Cleveland Browns Select: Josh Allen, QB, Wyoming
Every number says no, but Hue Jackson says yes.
Chicago Bears Select: Austin Allen, QB, Arkansas
Mitch Triscuitby will crunch under pressure allowing some backdoor action with Allen.
New York Jets Select: Mason Rudolph, QB, Oklahoma State
He’s kind of like Bryce Petty, but better. Maybe.
Los Angeles Chargers Select: Brett Rypien, QB, Boise State
NFL bloodlines baby!
Arizona Cardinals Select: Ryan Finley, QB, N.C. State
He’s not Ryan Lindley I promise.
Cleveland Browns Select: Jake Browning, QB, Washington
PAC-12 quarterback with a weak velocity, but can execute the offense. Sound familiar?
Dallas Cowboys Select: Mike White, QB, Western Kentucky
Decent backup West Coast type.
Minnesota Vikings Select: Clayton Thorson, QB, Northwestern
Kyle Sloter is the future, but Thorson can pick up the pieces left by wounded veterans.
Seattle Seahawks Select: Quinton Flowers, QB, South Florida
He’s used to running around with no offensive line help too.
New England Patriots Select: J.T. Barrett, QB, Ohio State
Green Bay Packers Select: Kyle Allen, QB Houston
He was good in high school.
Jacksonville Jaguars Select: Kenny Hill, QB, TCU
He’s kind of like Johnny Manziel with less of the other stuff.
Washington Redskins Select: Logan Woodside, QB, Toledo
I haven’t watched his film this year, but that isn’t the point of mocks.
Buffalo Bills Select: Richard Lagow, QB, Indiana
He’s kind of like E.J. Manuel. Tall and big arm. That’s about it.
Philadelphia Eagles Select: Riley Ferguson, QB, Memphis
He’s the guy Carson Wentz’ girlfriend told him not to worry about.
Tennessee Titans Select: Chase Litton, QB, Marshall
I literally just googled “2018 NFL draft quarterbacks” and his name popped up.
Los Angeles Rams Select: Jarett Stidham, QB, Auburn
Nice camp arm.
Detroit Lions Select: Wilson Speight, QB, Michigan
Lion fans will be familiar with him.
Pittsburgh Steelers Select: Nick Fitzgerald, QB, Mississippi State
Lots of physical tools with little development.
Baltimore Ravens Select: Drew Lock, QB, Missouri
Denver Broncos Select: Anu Soloman, QB, Arizona
The spread version of Trevor Siemian.
Atlanta Falcons Select: Keller Chryst, QB, Stanford
Running out of wiggle room here.
Miami Dolphins Select: Will Grier, QB, West Virginia
It could work out.
Carolina Panthers Select: Malik Zaire, QB, Notre Dame
He was good once.
Buffalo Bills Select: No one
Because they already passed on the greatest quarterback god ever created. The holiest of holies: Patrick Mahomes.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers Select: Danny Etling, QB, LSU
I’m running out of options here.
Oakland Raiders Select: Luke Del Rio, QB, Florida
Son of Jack Del Rio.